The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me. --Ayn Rand

12.7.06

Oh, Superman!

I saw superman for the second time last night. Even though there was a schizophrenic man chatting with himself in the back row and the screen appeared to have been attacked by an ejaculating giant, I enjoyed it just as much as when I saw it the first time with my mother in the black theater where everyone loved to munch loudly on potato chips.

It was the first time I hung out with him, too, but I knew what to expect. We started out walking to the movies. Fairly soon I noticed that I was acting a little odd--more rigid than usual. For five years I've tried to shake that shell, making slow progress now and then. Strange, then, that his personality restored it so easily.

After Superman we went out to dinner. He paid.

Here and there I'd come up with a comment to poke fun at him, brush off his jabs, and I even tried to explain how my opinion of him wasn't too perfect. I found out he knew a few people I've know intimately, and so I went into a rant on how I didn't like them. Really negative, I wasn't thinking about what I was saying before it plopped out of my mouth. What an idiot.

Maybe I was afraid he was flirting. I still don't respond well to flirting in person. Maybe I was afraid of him knowing me--that he knew people who know me. Maybe I was just trying to get him to be quiet because he's more effeminate than I am.

None of these are good reasons. Mabye I'm afraid to let anyone in permanently because I'm afraid of a transient relationship, be it friends or otherwise. Now that's a good, insane reason.

Come to think of it that must be why I was so hurt by Rich Yalie at the beginning of the summer.

Hm. It's so much more difficult building friendships.

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