The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me. --Ayn Rand

1.8.06

Dreams and Sex

My nights are littered with dreams now. I don't quite understand, and I don't remember many of them. I will lie down to on my floor mattress, push my body against some pillows, jostle a bit, then three or four hours later I'll be startled awake by my dream.

This has never happened before. During the lazy nights in China I would have a lot of colorful dreams of Minnesota, but these dreams are actually interupting my beauty sleep! Without that I might revert back to my Frankenstein's monster-like alter ego, who will forever be christened Lynette.

A few fragments from my most recent dreams:

I am lying on a tarp laid down on the only level area on the side of a sloping mountain. Everything is covered in long grass just turning yellow. The sky is sad and ready to rain--spots of black clouds, chilly, with small bursts of wind. I can see no civilization beyond the mountains. (I was reminded of LangMuSi in SiChuan, when we climbed for 2 hours to reach the highest prayer flags we've ever seen. If we looked away from the village, on the top of the mountain, there was no sign of any other cities. But, there was one nomad caring to a flock of sheep. We yelled, "Ni hao! Ni hao ma?")

The mood is utterly devastating, and I am almost crying. My mother walks around the bend of the mountain, begins talking, and I wake up.
-----
I am in my apartment, and my leg starts to itch. I look down and see a small red spider crawling on my leg. I reach in to kill it, and it puts it's two front legs up in the air as a warning (for spiders, that could be a sign that they're extremely venemous).

I jump up and shake it off.

As I walk around my apartment, I notice that these spiders are living in ever corner. Hundreds of these tiny little monsters. I accidentally step into a corner, and I wake up.
-----
In my apartment once again, but this time I have the feeling I am in Minnesota at the same time. My mother is coming home to visit the only boy I've ever fallen for (tryst in China). She arrives, and we're all very jovial. He starts chatting and laughing with her in the dining room, while I go back to my room.

Through the door I find a very attractive man. I was expecting him. He has his shirt off, and soon I lock the door and we go to my bed. We have sex while my man and my mother are laughing.

They stop laughing and I wake up.
---

The last was arguably the most horrifying of the three, but I am still freaked out. I can't sleep.

In other news, JT is no longer in CA, but I received no good-bye. I think it's unlikely that the 30 year old date will schedule another date without pressure. I found a nice ageism entry is someone's blog. Also, I started to remember why I get depressed reading/writing in blogs.

I need to finish up my books.

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